I HAVE to vent..

[blackplague]

OK, no one has to read this I just have to type it our say it or something before i end up having 9898 panic attacks or doing something beyond stupid..

Ok awhile back i was in a horrible accident (the 13th of this month will make it 2 years) It bruised my lung, cracked my scapula.. and gave me three compression fractures in my spine..
well the surgeon said "its in the worst place possible in your back"
I'll have to get surgery or it will get worse..
this condition is hell on earth.. it keeps me cooped up inside hurting so bad that I don't care if im dead or alive sometimes.. sometimes i hope for death just to stop the agony..

well I came across 2.5 methadones today.. b/c i had a seizure last night and the pain in my back was doubled along with every single muscle in my body hurts so bad...
well we have this far in my town that i NEVER miss I spend so much time in the house.. just wishing I could get out and do something..
well the fair, that would have been great if I could have gotten more for then.. the half life would make it work better.. I would be able to walk around and talk to friends and just not have to think about how much i hate my life for a change..

well the guy i get my methadones from ALWAYS has them.. I would have saved them for tomorrow (the fair in this town I love it b/c i get to hang out with friends) well my back NEVER lets me enjoy a damn thing.. It's really fucked up..
the seizure I had last night had me aching all over... it caused me to fall out of bed which hurt my back more..

so now i go by dudes house to get 3 of them to make sure it helps more and he said he can't help me.. i brought 35 dollars and 4 blue xanax's in case he didn't want... he has access to a ton of them and he charges double for what he pays..

so tomorrow instead of being at the fair enjoying myself I'm going to be cooped up in the house so depressed that I wont care if im alive or dead just so the agony will stop I hate thinking like this.. I hate not having any income. i hate not having insurance for the needed medications..
I hate how things go.. they always go like that

Seriously guys, please be thankful if you don't suffer from chronic pain.. it makes your life a living hell.. I'd be happier if i just had insurance and a script that could make the pain manageable.. but SSI keeps denying me ... I haven't had any recent x-rays or MRI's to show them that it is the way it is now.. so they sent a letter saying they aren't going to reconsider my case when the longer i go without surgery the worse it's going to get... I don't understand why shit has to go in such a fucked up way...
fuck it all.


if anyone read that thanks for taking the time to read.. i just needed to vent bad i know this forum isn't for venting personal life things.. but i had to get it out... so MOD you can delete this seen how it doesn't really belong here..

[lucidthoughts]

I really feel you man.
I've been dealing with chronic pain for years.
and I've become so addicted to Opioids that they're not even fun anymore.
Its a ball and chain.

I've been in your situation about not caring about living or dying.
I still am really.
I've od'ed a couple times by cutting my patches and eating the gel, because I wanted to die.
The more pain your in the worse it gets and the more opioids you take for pain the more you don't care about anything and hate your life.
Its a lose/lose situation.

I'm sorry to hear about another person in so much pain.
Just don't give up man.
I know its hard, but I would stay away from Metadone if I were you.
That shit is more of a death trap then crack and meth combined.

Vent all you want.
Sometimes you just need to let shit out.

I'll be here to talk to you, if you need me.

[blackplague]

lucidthoughts, Thanks for listening. really really..
You do really seem to understand.. I've tried to OD on oxys before i took 5 ox the 40's and crushed up 4 of them... but the tolerance was so high i just felt a buzz..
I try to stay away from it i know how bad it can be I don't hardly ever get them though.. once in awhile I only use those b/c the amount of hydrocodone or oxycodone cost more for the relief from methadone..
I came across more money today ... i took 6 vicoprofens it wont get me high but it'l lesson the pain.. i've noticed the "high" isn't much with methadone but with oxy's you get way more euphoria
I've tried St.johns for the depression but it didn't really help.

I'm glad you understand though, not that your in the same boat.. i'm not glad about that by all means..
like without insurance though i have to break the law to get things buy "buying drugs" and when my family finds out they call me a pill head and all this eveen though they have seen the MRI's they say oh try to not take anything and just eat right and don't smoke cigarettes... exercise.
I told them well, if that was possible I'd have a job..
when/IF ssi comes through the surgery can make it worse.. but it also can help.. just some though..

I bet you've heard the bullshit "oh your just hooked on it" or "your just trying to get high" and all of that.. i know that is a pain in the ass...

I really hope that things get better for you... I even pray it no one deserves to live in constant pain..

If you ever need to talk either I'll listed and try to help out.. but if your low on your meds and u have to go cold turkey for short period take kratom it will ease your withdraws and help the pain... i like the regular better than extracts unless its full spectrum. there are many more alkaloids besides the one they extract.. so if you need that I can also help you take it and explain how to make it work better and such..

good luck

[RobinDB]

I can't even imagine what a day in your life is like. But I offer my wishes to you that somehow your pains will be eased. Some way that's positive. Have you gotten a second opinion and all that stuff? Tried alternate methods like a chiropractor?

[ZappaDee]

Massage may be another good alternative medicine to check out. i, myself, am going to school for holistic healing and massage.

[blackplague]

I don't want to bump an older post, but i have been having CPU probs.. wifi card is close to fried..

I've tried massages but the spine is in even worse shape now.. and with that massages really hurt because my spine "pokes out" in certain places because it is so out of line..